Effective counseling
is achieved as counselors meet the real needs
of counselees by spending time with them, listening
to them, supporting them as they struggle through
the transition from childhood to adulthood - these
are skills that counselor can and must learn.
The purpose of this discussion is to highlight
the basic characteristics of effective counselors.
The counseling relationship is one where the counselee
and counselor work together at problem solving.
It is a complicated process that cannot be reduced
to a few simplistic guidelines to ensure effective
people helping. However there are several basic
skills that an counselor carries that will work
through their character to facilitate effective
counseling.
ATTENDING
The counselor must give undivided attention to
the counselee. Daydreaming, fatigue, impatience,
preoccupation, or restlessness will render the
counselor ineffective, as they hinder the counselor
from giving full attention to the counselee. As
counselors look counselees in the eyes, without
staring, they communicate that they are concerned
and understand the person and their situation.
The counselor’s body language should communicate
that they are relaxed and not tense. This will
help to put the counselee at ease. It is helpful
to lean slightly towards the counselee. The gestures
should be natural without being excessive or distracting
to the counselee.
LOVING
Loving people involves accepting them as they
are. Jesus demonstrated this in His encounter
with the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11),
the woman who anointed Him (Luke 7:36-50) and
with the woman at the well (John 4:4-26). Acceptance
of the person does not necessarily imply approval
of what they are doing. Selwyn Hughes mentions
a counselor friend who keeps a stone and a rusty
nail in his desk: the stone is a reminder of the
passage that says, "If any one of you is
without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone
at her," and the nail reminds him of what
Jesus did for him on a hill called Calvary. There
is no real relationship between two individuals
until they relate to each other on the level of
feelings. When a counselor identifies with a counselee's
hurt feelings, they are showing empathy. Empathy
is deeper than sympathy, it involves getting into
someone's shoes, seeing things from their perspective
and feeling with them. The way to emphasize with
people's feelings is to first identify what feeling
they are experiencing, i.e. frustration, anger,
disappointment, etc. Then draw out those feelings
and reflect them back to the person. This will
help the counselee feel understood and communicate
that you love and care for them as a unique individual.
LISTENING
True listening is the giving of undivided attention,
without any preconceptions, to what the person
is saying, verbally and nonverbally. It means
more than just hearing what a person says. Hearing
captures the words a person speaks, while listening
captures the meaning and the feeling that lie
beneath those words. Listening is an active process
that involves setting aside your own conflicts
and biases to concentrate on what the counselee
is communicating, avoiding subtle verbal or nonverbal
expressions of disapproval or judgment about what
is said, using both your eyes and your ears to
detect messages that come from the tone of voice,
posture, gestures, facial expressions and other
nonverbal clues, hearing not only what the counselee
says, but noticing what gets left out, waiting
patiently through periods of silence or tears
as the counselee summons enough courage to share
something painful or pauses to recollect his or
her thoughts and regain composure, looking at
the counselee as they speak, without either staring
or letting your eyes wander. Realizing that you
can accept the counselee although you may not
condone their actions. According to counselee's
there are ten common characteristics that convey
that a person is listening:
1. Looks at me while I am speaking.
2. Questions me to clarify what I'm saying.
3. Shows concern by asking questions about my
feelings.
4. Repeats some things I say.
5. Doesn't rush me.
6. Is poised and emotionally controlled.
7. Responds with a nod of the head, a smile, or
a frown.
8. Pays close attention.
9. Doesn't interrupt me.
10. Keeps on the subject until I've finished my
thoughts.
In most counseling, feelings and not issues
are central. When the counselor interprets the
situation merely in terms of "problem"
and "solution" they miss the feelings
that the counselee is expressing. Effective counselors
should identify what feeling the person has expressed
and check with them whether that is what they
are feeling, they should avoid premature solutions
to the person's problem and deal with their feelings
and thoughts and absorb accusations without becoming
defensive against the person.
DIGGING
Digging is when the counselor stops listening
and starts digging; depends on how well you know
the person and on when you sense they are avoiding
the issue. The purpose of digging is to get people
to open up and discuss their problem. There are
several techniques, which helps effective counseling:
leading, reflecting, questioning and filtering.
In the Leading role, the counselor gently directs
the conversation in directions that will give
useful information. Use brief questions, "What
happened next?" or "Tell me what you
mean by . . .?" Especially when people run
into a block, leading can help them proceed.
Reflecting is a way, of letting counselee's know
that the counselors are with them and understand
what they feel or think.
They do not reflect after every statement; they
do it periodically. They use statements such as,
"You must feel . . .?" or "I bet
that was frustrating." A brief summary of
what has been said helps to reflect and stimulate
more exploration. There are three types of material
that the effective counselors reflect: First,
the counselee's verbal content as a way to check
out and communicate the counselor's understanding.
Second, the counselee's feelings and emotions
that are nonverbally expressed to help them recognize,
accept and understand repressed material. Third,
the interaction that occurs between the counselee
and the counselor or another person who is involved.
For example, when a counselee is reluctant to
open up with the counselor - this can be expressed
to the counselee and a blockage removed. Counselors
ask differentnt types of questions in the counseling
process:
* Ask open-ended questions - questions which cannot
be answered with a "Yes" or "No".
For example ask, "What are some of the ways
in which your parents have influenced you?"
rather than, "Do you feel your parents are
part of your problem?"
While counsellors should not disbelieve everything
they are told, they do need to mentally sort through
the counselee's words. One very important characteristic
of an effective counselor is that he tries distinguishing
between cause and symptoms. Smashing crockery
in the kitchen is a symptom of unresolved conflict
or frustration. Nail biting is a symptom of anxiety
(which is the cause). Counselors take the symptoms
and work out what the causes are. Another aspect
of their effectiveness is evaluating a person's
level of need.
RESPONDING
The goal of the counselor in responding to the
counselee is to help them gain insight. The extent
to which counseling is effective depends on the
balance that a counselor shows in the responses
that are made to counselees. The two broad aspects
of effectiveness are directive and nondirective.
In nondirective counseling, it is believed that
people should not be told what to do. If they
understand why things have gone wrong, they will
change - insights supposedly leads to changed
behavior. Directive counseling attempts to teach
people better ways to fulfill their needs. The
counselor recognizes the counselee's problem and
then guides him or her in solving it. Counselees
are provided with provision to ventilate and talk
out their feelings to help them cope with internalized
anger which causes depressions. However, it is
important to move beyond feelings and deal with
the behavior of a counselee. To change behavior,
people may need to develop new interests and activities.
Jesus was effective at majoring on spiritual aspects
without neglecting physical and psychological
aspects (John 5).
There are several techniques that counselors employ
to respond to people, such as: supporting, confronting,
informing, interpreting, teaching, self-disclosing,
evaluating and silence. Right at the beginning
of the session, support and encouragement helps
people burdened by needs and conflicts to gain
courage and strength to proceed with counseling.
Support involves guiding counselees to take stock
of their resources, encouraging action and helping
them with problems and failures that may result
from such action. Confrontation involves presenting
an idea to the counselee that they might not see
otherwise. Counselees may be confronted with sin,
failures, inconsistencies, excuses, harmful attitudes
or self-defeating behavior. They may respond with
confession and experience forgiveness. However,
they may also respond with resistance, guilt,
hurt, or anger. Counselors should be aware that
giving advice might help the counselee become
dependant on the counselor. To overcome this,
counselors let the counselee's think through the
advice for themselves, adopting it as their own
thoughts.
The counselor is an educator who helps the counselee
by instruction, example and guidance through learning
experiences. Counselors are most effective when
the teaching is focused on a specific situation.
They have them list advantages and disadvantages
of possible actions.
There are two types of self-disclosure that are
used by effective counselors in counseling. The
first occurs when the counselor tells the counselee
about something which they experienced in the
past that is similar to what the counselee is
presently experiencing. The goal is to convince
the counselee that the counselor understands.
Most people associate silence in a counseling
context with feelings of awkwardness, disapproval
or rejection. While some counselors identify "work"
with talking, it is often during the moments of
silence that counselee's gain their most significant,
life-changing insights. Counselors have identified
three occasions where silence is the most appropriate
response from the counselor: First, a deliberate
pause to add emphasis to what has just been said
or done. Second, an organizational pause that
is intended to facilitate transition from one
issue to another. Third, a natural terminating
pause that is used to bring a particular issue
to an end.
The main characteristic of an effective counselor
is how sensitive he is to the silence; should
continue and decide whether it is productive or
unproductive. If the counselee is thinking, reflecting,
clarifying internal feelings or accomplishing
some other task during the pause then the silence
is considered productive. Of all the techniques,
listening is the backbone - it is essential through
every stage. During the middle stages of the process
the counselor is very active: interpreting, probing,
confronting and encouraging. The final stages
are marked by a drop in the level of counselor
activity, where the counselor listens, reflects,
uses silence, self-disclosure and encouragement.
TERMINATING
Ending up a counseling relationship is as important
as any of the other basic skills. There are several
aspects that effective counselors apply at terminating
counseling relationships. They do not end the
relationship suddenly, but as satisfactorily as
possible. People come for counseling because of
relationship problems - often those that have
ended badly. From the beginning, the counselors
look to the end by making it clear to the counselee
that they have a contract for several sessions.
They periodically, evaluate where they have got
what was to be achieved. If there is a pattern
of broken relationships, they talk about the pattern
and spend time ending. They leave the door open
for follow up, ie. In a months time or whenever
the need arises.
It is not always easy to give up the expert position
in a group. Counselors try to involve in group
activities, whether as a formal leader or group
member, and determine if they can translate competencies
into changes in counselees behavior that will
allow them to contribute more effectively to the
group, and to achieving the counseling goals.
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